see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
