tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
