Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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