Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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