Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
