I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize