Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Ladies don't puke and tell
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