Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You can't special order awesome
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
