and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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