Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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