1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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