so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
