i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
