I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
