Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
