I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
