I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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