he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
