fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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