I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
