We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
