dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
