she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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