After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
