so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Dignity is for republicans.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
