Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
