Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
