Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
