The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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