The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
