Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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