he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
