I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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