We're like a lot better than the average bears
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
