I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
