someone get that fucking seahorse.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
