you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize