The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
