You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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