How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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