How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
