So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm just crazy horny about you
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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