Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
His hands were made for my vagina.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
he's single and there are thong briefs.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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