remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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