i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
