There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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