i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
