A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
