You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
