I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
