just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
