I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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