I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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