I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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