I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize