And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
