idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
