haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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