She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
