In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
