Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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