my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
