Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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