Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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