I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
